C_ntelope– Would you like to buy a vowel?

When I buy a big, ripe melon, I’m absolutely prepared to make a series of boob jokes. “Do you like my melons?” “Do you think my melons are too big?” “Here, Chris. Feel my melons.”

What I am NOT prepared for, however, is cutting it open and receiving an intimate anatomy lesson. Last night, I opened a melon that loudly begged the question–WHICH ONE OF MY MELON HALVES LOOKS MORE LIKE A GIANT, ORANGE POONTANG?

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:

Exhibit A is the quintessential pleasant wonder-down-under. It’s clearly been groomed, has all of its more delicate anatomy pieces hooded and tucked away neatly. It’s inviting, but probably wants you to buy it a dinner of Miracle Grow and sunlight before it’s going to allow you anywhere near its fruity core.

Exhibit B…well, that’s a different story. It’s not that there’s anything WRONG with it, per se. But it’s definitely been around the melon patch a time or two. And it needs to schedule a waxing appointment with a stern-looking Eastern European woman, like, ASAP. If exhibit A is Hefner melon, then exhibit B is definitely leaning more towards Hustler.

Do you know what it’s like to open a piece of fruit, expecting to slice it up and serve it with dinner, only to find that you have to waste a full 45 minutes explaining to your dog how babies are made? Do you??

I finally got to scoop out the centers and send them to MTV’s hit show “16 and Pregnant,” leaving us with some really tasty organic, local melon. I love fresh fruit season. I try to cut up the pieces and wash everything right when I get home. Then I stick it in tupperwares and we can just eat a few pieces here and there for a snack whenever the mood hits, without having to go to the trouble to wash/peel/prepare.

Oh, and melons are like $2 right now. That’s an awful lot of fruit for such a bargain, so get out there and eat it. Eat nothing BUT fruit and veg. Tis the season, after all, and all that water weight and fiber fills you up so you can lose some pounds before winter hits, with all of its decadent baking and slow-roasted meats and brown sugary roasted gourds. I love winter food and winter cooking with all of my heart, but there’s certainly a time and place for eating fresh, watery, sweet produce. And this is it, yo.

Duggar melon

5 thoughts on “C_ntelope– Would you like to buy a vowel?”

  1. My parents saw fit to give me a melon allergy, which is why I haven't eaten them since I was 8 (although I wistfully remember their flavor), and probably also why I had to get a doctor to implant me with fake melons when I failed to grow my own.

    But your post made me want cantaloupe, so maybe I'll triple up on allergy meds and head to the market.

  2. I had to scroll down to see Exhibit B, and was not expecting it. To me, it is the clear winner. I'm still wiping the tears from my eyes from laughing.

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