Winnie the Whore


I used to work for a major banking institution as a financial analyst of sorts. Don’t as me how I got that job, because the answer is that I padded my resume and had my friends give me references. The financial experience I had was limited to bouncing checks and trying to get Canadian nickels to go through the CoinStar machines at the local grocery store. I had NO BUSINESS doing that job. So it turns out that it was lucky for them and their customers that I had absolutely no supervision, and would put my things on my desk in the Denver skyrise, eat a bowl of protein oatmeal, and then spend the rest of the day shopping and getting pedicures on the 16th Street Mall. I turned on my computer each morning, but only so I could find a way to hack their firewall and allow Gmail to come through. My boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) would send me emails during the day, and I wanted to be able to obsessively check for them every 15 minutes. I “worked” there for 6 months, and in that time accomplished nothing. I’m not even 100% sure that I ever was granted access to their financial database.

Best. Job. Ever.

Anyway, the point of this story is not to brag about my misspent youth, but to tell you about Winnie the Whore. She was this awful woman who also worked there, and she carried a Winnie the Pooh backpack as a purse. I find this GROSSLY inappropriate for a middle-aged woman, and also she was a mega-bitch. I’ll tolerate a freakish, nearly pedophilic love for children’s storybook characters. I’ll tolerate the tapered, too-short pants that she seemed to be so fond of. But I won’t tolerate those things in someone who is also a crotchety old pirate hooker. I have limits.

We would passive-aggressively bicker during any spare moments I spent at my desk, and she seemed to genuinely disapprove of the lack of work I did. Like it was my fault that she elected to stay, unsupervised, at her desk. She said that I was guilty of cronyism (I called them “lookouts” and they were invaluable). She said that I was toxic and liked to boss people around.

So not the case.

I don’t like to boss people. I’m actually a terrible boss. When I was assistant pharmacy manager (again, padded resume, no training), I used to just let people do whatever they wanted to, because I didn’t like bossing people around and being unpopular. It’s a wonder anyone showed up for my shifts at all. I would usually just read pharmaceutical brochures and drink Chai with our Indian pharmacist.

So I’m not bossy.

But I’m bossing you right now. MAKE THIS.

In fact, the first person to make this, take a picture of it, and send it to me for publication on this blog will win something. Something kitcheny. I don’t know what yet, but it’ll be something you’ll like.

Deal?

It couldn’t be simpler.

Bacon mushroom tacos
1 # mushrooms, quartered (I like cremini and button for this application)
1/2# bacon, diced (Nieman ranch applewood smoked is GREAT)
1 yellow onion, diced
1 russet potato, peeled and diced into 1/4″ cubes (approximately)

Preheat the oven to 400 F
Toss all of the ingredients together in a cast iron skillet with a bit of salt
Roast until the bacon is crispy on the outside, but still juicy, the potatoes are tender but not mushy, and the onions are brown on the edges.
Stir periodically to make sure the bacon fat coats the other ingredients. Taste and add salt and pepper to finish.

Serve with warm corn and/or flour tortillas and guacamole with diced tomatoes.

See? Could that be a simpler recipe? And it’s FANTASTIC. The guacamole with the salty bacon and earthy mushrooms and sweet onions. OMG. You could make this vegetarian by using olive oil, FYI. It won’t have the same salty deliciousness, but it’s still a damn good, hearty meal that kills it with a margarita. I used to do this without potatoes, but adding the potatoes as a filler tastes great and makes it cheaper to fill up the bellies of big eaters like my husband and Sally Struthers.

So get cooking and send me pictures. [email protected]

And if you have a Winnie the Pooh backpack, you really need to set fire to it. Not that I’m bossing.

5 thoughts on “Winnie the Whore”

  1. Alissa, no prizes except for the prize of not coming home to rotting food in your fridge. But I WILL make this for you guys while you're here. I want to initiate Erik on some mushroom and guac action.

    KaraLynne–there's no catch. You should be the one to make it first. Then you'll know!

  2. I have a Hello Kitty jacket. It's fabulous, and I'm old. I always get compliments. From men, too. The people who hate it are probably laughing in that acoustic range where I'm deaf.

    Awesome taco idea. I'm too full of bagels mit everything to try it right now.

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