Judge and Jerry

Everyone gets all upset about marijuana, saying that users lack drive, ambition. Those people have never seen a pothead looking for a bag of Funyuns. They’ve never seen them painstakingly carve elaborate canals into a Braeburn apple, using nothing but a Bic lighter and a McDonald’s straw, in hopes of crafting a functional, organic pipe. That’s DRIVE.

Disclaimer: I don’t smoke pot. I’m a functional adult with a kid and a mortgage, and I graduated high school 10 years ago, so it’s no longer in my wheelhouse.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t remember being a teenager, driving 15 miles to the closest Fazoli’s because DUUUUUUUUUUUDE. Unlimited breadsticks. Yes.

Which explains, in part, how I ended up in a Wal-Mart the other day.

I hate Wal-Mart. HATE. I’ve gone twice in the last year. Once at midnight when I was nine months pregnant because I needed a box fan for our bedroom RIGHT NOW.

And once two days ago, to locate the new Ben and Jerry’s flavor: Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night Snack.

I’d been to seven other grocery stores before saying “Screw it, I’m going to Wal-Mart.” SEVEN. Because DUUUUUUUUUDE. Vanilla bean ice cream with salted caramel swirl and fudge-covered potato chips. Yes.

Which brings me back to my original point. How high must Ben and Jerry and Jimmy Fallon have been to conceive that offering?

Ben: “Dude. I want ice cream.”

Jerry: “We OWN an ice cream company, jackass. Let’s get some ice cream.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Shut up about the ice cream. I want potato chips. And chocolate.”

Ben: “Dude. Brah. Let’s put potato chips and chocolate IN some ice cream.”

Jimmy Fallon: “YES. Let’s do that. Now.”

Jerry: “I want Funyuns.”

Anyway, once I read about the new flavor, I wanted it immediately. It was like I was pregnant again, only when I was pregnant I didn’t really have any cravings except for vinaigrette. I drank a LOT of vinaigrette.

So, after searching fruitlessly for two days, I decided to suck it up and call Wal-Mart. Here is an actual transcript of the conversation I had with the Wal-Mart “customer service team.”

Wal-person: “Wal-Mart customer service, how may I direct your call?”

Me: “I’m looking for the new Ben and Jerry ice cream flavor…”

Wal-person: “Hold for Earl in Grocery”

Earl: “Iss Earl, how can I help you?”

Me: “I’m looking for the new Ben and Jerry ice cream flavor…”

Earl: “Wassit called?”

Me: “Late Night Snack”

Earl: “I ain’t seen it.”

Me: “So you guys don’t have it yet?”

Earl: “Just cuz I ain’t seen it, don’t mean it ain’t there”

Me: “Fucking Wal-Mart”

So I packed the baby up, drove to Wal-Mart, girded my loins, and headed inside.

SUCCESS!!! I can’t tell you how excited I was at that moment. There were four pints in the freezer case. I bought four of them. What?

That night we demolished the first of them. The verdict? DELICIOUS. Best ice cream ever. Better than Mission to Marzipan, which was my favorite up to this point.

Again, I reiterate. It’s vanilla bean ice cream with a swirl of salted caramel, and fudge-covered clusters of potato chip. Salty. Sweet. Creamy.

The ice cream itself is very vanilla-beany. You can actually feel the flecks of vanilla on your tongue. It’d be a solid offering for a plain vanilla bean ice cream.

The salted caramel is tasty, but I wish there were more of it. It ends up being kind of thinly stratified, rather than ending up in pockets and pools. So it was a win, but could have been more of a win in my book.

The fudge is assertively chocolatey, without the waxy characteristic so often found in frozen chocolate pieces. Very nice.

And the potato chips within? Very good. They remain crisp, and have little rocks of salt throughout for extra crunch. I cannot emphasize how important they are. They could sell the little fudge-chip clusters independent of the ice cream, and I would buy them.

So eight thumbs up for Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night Snack. And it’s Fair Trade certified, which almost nullifies the evil of the store I patronized.

It was catnip. Or “cat pot.”

9 thoughts on “Judge and Jerry”

  1. I heard of this just recently…and I am not sure about it. I am not usually one to mix my salt and sweet..BUT…who is to stop me from buying it for my loverly wife and then having some WITH her??? hmmmmm

    And I have heard that it is life-changing!!

  2. I am intrigued by this icecream. CU sold Ben and Jerry's pints at their dorm stores, and when you lived in the dorm, you had some set amount of money that was on your student id that you HAD to use by the end of the year. Ben and Jerry's was a popular item to say the least. I still remember when one of the teachers was trying to get to know the kids and asked everyone for their favorite icecream flavor. He got a bunch of Phish Food, Chubby Hubby, and Cherry Garcia. And had no idea what we were even talking about.

  3. Also, if I remember correctly, years ago (like in 2000), the silver medallist for one of the snowboard events was stripped of his medal because it was determined that he had been using pot during the olympics. They claimed it was a performance enhancing drug. Jay Leno correctly pointed out that it would only be performance enhancing if there was a brownie and a bag of doritos at the bottom of the run.

  4. I still can't find it after a multiple-store search. But I WANT IT. Salted caramel and chocolate with crunchy potato chip bits?

    WANT.

    *sigh*

    Does this mean I have to go look at Wal-Mart?

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