I hereby reject colors and modern transportation


I am Amish. Or, at least, I’m COOKING like I’m Amish. The sturdy, hooded people would be very proud of what I’ve accomplished, even if it’s left me sadly exhausted and not having lost any weight (even though I’ve been doing workout classes like it’s my job–cuz it kinda is).

It all started with those crazy vegetarians…An aside: Allison, I forbid you to be a vegetarian. 26 years old is FAR too late to develop a whole new moral code. That’s why old people are given carte blanche to act like racist little gremlins. You cannot change such things at any point after you’ve fully developed all of your more major sex organs, unless it’s because you had a traumatic experience with a farm decapitation device or something. And people from PETA are crazy, unless they are Alicia Silverstone, in which case they’re mostly just fabulous.

Back to the matter at hand: I’ve been trying to use all these vegetables, some of which I have never personally deigned to eat, nevertheless prepare. The eggplant is one of those things. Marinated with lemon pepper and grilled alongside chicken breasts, onions, balsamic artichokes, skewered potatoes, and the humble carrot, I thought it’d be all chewy and delicious–like purple tempeh. It wasn’t. It tasted like refuse, and I want none of it. If I’m going to bread something in a parmeggiano crust and coat it in a rich marinara, it’s going to be the American variety of eggplant that I like to call “chicken.” Not veal, though, because even I have limits on my allowance of animal cruelty. And I buy free range, humanely raised stuff from Central Market because I’m a snob, and it tastes nice.

I ate the hell out of those artichokes, though. And I’ll tell you that, dipped in a 30-year balsamic, you don’t miss the dippin’ butter at all. Mmmmmmmm.

This is an old horse-n-buggy favorite called chicken and dumplings. Or chicken’n dumplins’, if you want to be really technical about it. A dumplin’ is just a biscuit that gets poached in the chicken broth by letting it float around and then is served in/on thick chicken soup. If you’re anything like me, you eat shitloads of dumplings and ignore the chicken soup, and then feel like a jackass because you know damn well that the dumplin’ is the caloric epicenter of the dish. Whatever. It was dinner. I have more news on the food front, but I’m saving it for tomorrow because Chris has Grand Rounds tomorrow (which I think is like doctor intellectual show and tell) and he’s in charge of snack again, so I’ve spent all day making mass quantities of things, and baking for strangers, and I’m very tired. And a little fat.

11 thoughts on “I hereby reject colors and modern transportation”

  1. Honey, as your fiance, I have to disagree with you: PETA is awesome! It makes such a cute little pocket into which I can stuff any number of different meats.

    Mmmmmmm… meat…

  2. SHIT, no, man. I mean, well, I guess I mean SHIT, no! The only time I have been a vegetarian is when I was being breastfed, and I’m pretty sure my mom was eating plenty of bacon given my affinity for it. My little sister, however, is a different sort of girl, and doesn’t eat meat based on a Simpsons episode she saw when she was four, which is kind of equally ridiculous. Anyway, the point is that, while I adore Allison, there’s no changies once you’ve established a firm pattern of eating meat with me. It’s kind of like how smack addicts only like to hang around with other smack addicts, except smack addicts are probably thinner and more likely to have a communicable disease. Us “meaties” are slightly heavier and more likely to have Kreutzfeld-Jacob’s disease.

  3. I’ve gotten eggplant from our “Farm to Work” program 2 times now. The first time we grilled it and then turned it into Baba Ganoush. It was alright…I don’t think I’d make it again if it was just Shawn and me. The next time, we made the Eggplant Parmesan. Which I’ve never had and was expecting it to be horrible. But I was pleasantly surprised…If you slice the eggplant thin enough it’s more like lasagna noodles…only healthier.

    However, I can’t say that I like okra in any way, shape, or form.

  4. I don’t know how I feel about vegetarians. I do know that I think their morals are a bit twisted at times. At least an animal has a chance, though very slim, of escaping its death. (I cite the “Gobbles” episode of South Park as my credible source for that claim.) Your average carrot just has to sit there and take it like the inferior organism it is. It is just hanging out with all of its carrot friends when it is plucked from the earth, only to be pushed aside by me when it gets in the way of my delicious and mistreated chicken.

  5. BTW, when I saw the picture of the chicken and dumplings I made some noises that were not at all appropriate coming from a reference desk at a public library.

  6. Ok, I just got to read all this because of the thrill that is my mother-in-law-to-be descending upon my life… It went well, BTW. I think she likes me.

    I’m not saying that being a vegetarian is a permanent life-choice, I’m just trying it out. Nor is it for everyone. In my opinion, animals are for eating but not for torturing. I don’t want to become a crazy activist or anything. However, if you saw the way they treat animals at factory farms you’d never want to eat ground anything again. Sadly, there is a lot of lying going on about “free range” chicken and “happy cows.” Free range only means that the chickens are allowed to go outside. The bottom line is: unless you see where your meat was made there are no guarantees. That being said, you can buy fresh meat straight from farms in some parts of the country. Being the paranoid meat freak that I am I’ll wait and cash in on that as one benefit of moving to land of cheese. ‘Til then, no meat.

    I can’t give up cheese or eggs though, a girl’s gotta have SOMETHING. Totally hypocritical, I know.

    End rant.

  7. Allison: I support you “trying it out.” Hell, for minutes, sometimes HOURS at a time, I have tried out various diets. For example:
    1-Not eating cake
    2-Not eating cake batter
    3-Not eating an entire batch of cake batter
    4-Not eating an entire batch of cake batter using only my hands.

    I have enjoyed experimenting with these things, though none of them have made it onto my permanent diet roster. Let me know how the vegetarianism goes, and let me believe in the idea of free-range. I worked in a humane society for years, remember? I’ve seen the PETA stuff, and worked very hard to write them off as propagandists. I don’t wish to return to that battle.

  8. Believe me, I’m trying to erase the images from my head as we speak. I suspended my vegetarianism yesterday in the name of the “tasting” for our wedding. I miss meat. It’s yummy.

    Don’t work yourself to hard on that “no cake batter” diet. You know these fad things never last and next year cake batter will be all the rage again.

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