This is the newest addition to our family: The 2008 Specialized Dolce Elite racing bike. Isn’t she a beaut? Chris has had his Trek since I met him, and his level of devotion to the thing has always made me a little jealous. I mean, he really, really loves it, to the point where I’m pretty sure that I would be given the boot if it weren’t for the republicans’ views on non-traditional marriages. And rightly so, given the cost of racing bikes. Anyway, I’ve been feeling extremely homesick lately and have been prone to crying bouts, so the new bike should help with that…or it would if San Antonio had any bike lanes or trails, which it does not because its citizens are completely allergic to any kind of exercise that doesn’t directly involve the consumption of smoked meats. But I digress.
The bike is beautiful, and is accompanied by equally beautiful accessories, including some badass shoes that have snowboard ratchet clips instead of traditional velcro (awwwwwsooooommmmmeee!). The downside of the whole maneuver, really, is that I have to wear bike shorts to ride any major distances. Bike shorts are functionally very important to prevent what I have seen, terrifyingly-termed on the internet as “vulvar trauma.” Forget that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to completely avoid anything that even resembles vulvar trauma for the entirety of my life, and I do not exclude natural childbirth from this equation. I was a c-section baby and look how fantastical I am!!
But about the shorts–they have a pad in the hoo-hoo vicinity called the “chamoise” that keeps your girly bits from being smashed by the impact of bumps in the road against the seat of your bike. The chamoise is somewhat cumbersome and, this is where it gets really great, presses your inner thighs outward to meld together with your outer thighs creating the appearance of saddlebags unlike anything that has existed since the termination of “donkey” as the most common form of transport. They have tight rubber grips at the bottom to keep them from riding up, and these have the added benefit of creating a muffin-top, mid-thigh, on even the most toned of legs. And they have ANOTHER ring of very tight elastic at the waist, creating the more commonly seen version of muffin top. Basically, even Heidi Klum would look like a twinkie-eating Wal-mart shopper in a pair of these shorts. Actually, probably not, which is why she must be hated. But I sure look crappy in them. Also, why are cyclists fatter than runners? I think cycling is HARDER. And you’re more likely to fall off a bike, making cycling more extreme than running. In fact, I am almost CERTAINLY going to fall off of my bike today, due to the installation of clip-pedals that require your feet to be literally attached to your bike in a mechanism that requires you to make complicated ankle motions to extricate them. How this is done at the high rate of falling? I do not know. I think the answer probably involves sutures.