All my friends are doing it!

This is the newest addition to our family: The 2008 Specialized Dolce Elite racing bike. Isn’t she a beaut? Chris has had his Trek since I met him, and his level of devotion to the thing has always made me a little jealous. I mean, he really, really loves it, to the point where I’m pretty sure that I would be given the boot if it weren’t for the republicans’ views on non-traditional marriages. And rightly so, given the cost of racing bikes. Anyway, I’ve been feeling extremely homesick lately and have been prone to crying bouts, so the new bike should help with that…or it would if San Antonio had any bike lanes or trails, which it does not because its citizens are completely allergic to any kind of exercise that doesn’t directly involve the consumption of smoked meats. But I digress.

The bike is beautiful, and is accompanied by equally beautiful accessories, including some badass shoes that have snowboard ratchet clips instead of traditional velcro (awwwwwsooooommmmmeee!). The downside of the whole maneuver, really, is that I have to wear bike shorts to ride any major distances. Bike shorts are functionally very important to prevent what I have seen, terrifyingly-termed on the internet as “vulvar trauma.” Forget that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to completely avoid anything that even resembles vulvar trauma for the entirety of my life, and I do not exclude natural childbirth from this equation. I was a c-section baby and look how fantastical I am!!

But about the shorts–they have a pad in the hoo-hoo vicinity called the “chamoise” that keeps your girly bits from being smashed by the impact of bumps in the road against the seat of your bike. The chamoise is somewhat cumbersome and, this is where it gets really great, presses your inner thighs outward to meld together with your outer thighs creating the appearance of saddlebags unlike anything that has existed since the termination of “donkey” as the most common form of transport. They have tight rubber grips at the bottom to keep them from riding up, and these have the added benefit of creating a muffin-top, mid-thigh, on even the most toned of legs. And they have ANOTHER ring of very tight elastic at the waist, creating the more commonly seen version of muffin top. Basically, even Heidi Klum would look like a twinkie-eating Wal-mart shopper in a pair of these shorts. Actually, probably not, which is why she must be hated. But I sure look crappy in them. Also, why are cyclists fatter than runners? I think cycling is HARDER. And you’re more likely to fall off a bike, making cycling more extreme than running. In fact, I am almost CERTAINLY going to fall off of my bike today, due to the installation of clip-pedals that require your feet to be literally attached to your bike in a mechanism that requires you to make complicated ankle motions to extricate them. How this is done at the high rate of falling? I do not know. I think the answer probably involves sutures.

Good day.

10 thoughts on “All my friends are doing it!”

  1. I know the bike shop types will tell you to take the bike inside, put it in a doorway (from like your bedroom to the hall), get on the bike with the shoes, clip in, clip out for like 50 times. The theory is that since you’re in the doorway, you’ll hit the jamb instead of falling to the ground…

  2. hey man, I’m just telling you what the bike people say. I figure if you go out and fall off your bike because of your shoes, you’ll just end up blogging about it and we’ll all get a good laugh.

    okay…maybe YOU won’t get such a good laugh, but the rest of us will!

  3. Notes on this post:
    1. Clippy shoes are scary. If they have a real name I won’t use it. “Clippy shoes” downplays the scariness.

    2. I hate my bike shorts. I love my hoo-hoo. As such, I wear my bike shorts while hating them. ‘Nuff said.

    3. Are those the new Camelback water bottles? I love them because when you squeeze them they make this fun crunchy noise. I always thought water could be better if you added a “crunch” factor.

    4. Your new bike is pretty. Come home. :)

  4. I desperately want to come home. The bike does, too. It’s told me repeatedly that the beautiful paved trails in Colorado are beckoning, and that it doesn’t wish to navigate the anthills and cacti that Texans call “landscape.” This place is a total shit hole. Anyway, I have not fallen off of the bike yet, but that’s because I only clip in once on each trip. If we start to come up on a stop sign, Chris has to pedal really fast to get there first, look both ways, and tell me it’s okay to continue without stopping. I’m totally okay with that.

    Allison: Do you have clippy pedals too? Have you fallen on your rear yet? Does Doug rescue you from such fate?

  5. And, I almost forgot, to answer any speculation re: my water bottles. They are the fuschia “polar bottles.” They have a crinkly layer inside, yes, and are the color of Hello, Kitty. But they are neither of the things that have been guessed so far. I now kind of wish they had Hello, Kitty on them.

  6. No clippy shoes, no clippy pedals. I’m a complete control freak and they scare me. I need baby steps.

    Doug is actually doing most of the biking in our family right now as I am doing the frantic “school preparation” dance combined with some “obsessively planning my wedding” moves. It’s fun, you should see me go! My “super cycle” classes are the closest I’ve come to being on a bike in a while. It’s nice that Doug and I are the same size, we’ve been sharing the nice bike. It’s blue so it’s unisex. :)

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