Hi, my name is Kristie, and I am a heartburn sufferer. Not the kind of heartburn where you eat spicyfood and then have to take some Tums and all is right in the world. More the kind where I am not eating or doing anythingout of the ordinary and then WHAM, my esophagus catches fire and my nose startsto run and I would swallow the blood of a virgin if I thought it would cool thepain.
It started in college, when I drank a lot of rum andcola. The rum was as palatable asindustrial waste, only less expensive, so it never surprised me when itstripped the lining from my digestive tract. I would just sweat excessively for a few minutes, drink a bottle ofPepto and resume drinking. I called it “ThePink Rally.”
When I started dating my husband (whose was, at the time,working in internal medicine),he suggested that perhaps chasing every drink ormeal with pink drank wasn’t ideal. Heprescribed me Nexium. Oh holy night,that stuff was fantastic. No more heartburn,regardless of my overconsumption of buffalo wings and boxed wine (aftercollege, I eschewed rum for a classier drink). I even made it through pregnancy without heartburn, which I would havenever thought possible.
But recently? Recently my heartburn has been kicking my ass. I have been taking my Nexium, plus a slew ofother antacids, and still feeling like the fire within is more literal and lessfigurative. I got my first bout ofserious gastritis on Easter, and have had it five or six times since then. It’s painful and leaves me doubled over on thefloor for hours at a time, while the baby tries to insert various small toysinto my nose and ears.
Finally, I scheduled a GI consult. It takes MONTHS to get in to see a GIspecialist. I’m assuming there just aren’tenough doctors willing to deal with digestive material, and I get that. Butwhat if it were something serious, and my stomach exploded during the waittime? What then? My appointment, after a looooong wait, wastoday.
Basically, she just took my history and scheduled me fortests. What tests? ALL OF THE TESTS. She wants me to deep throat a camera, while adifferent camera gets jammed up my ass. Double penetration, no hot dudes, and I will not be paid for myperformance. What the hell?!
What’s more, she sent home some Informative Pamphlets for meto understand the sheer number of violations that will be occurring to myperson during a 24 hour period. This ismy understanding of how it works:
Step 1: Go to pharmacy and pick up a whole bunch ofmedications, all of which are related to your butt, and the 22 year old malepharmacy tech knows damned well that they’re all related to your butt.
Step 2: Go home and prepare a foul-smelling liquid. Refrigerate the liquid, then clean up afteryourself without the assistance of certified nursing assistants.
Step 3: Don’t eat anything for 24 hours. Nothing. No food, despite the fact that you will still be required to maintainthe stamina needed to chase a 13 month old terrorist around the house. Drink clear liquids, though. Lots of them. Why? In preparation for Step 5.
Step 4: Drink the repulsive brew you previously prepared,and take some pills to also assist in Step 5.
Step 5: Your butt falls off. If you vomit the foul-smelling fluid, you’llhave to drink more, lest parts of your butt remain attached to your body andthe whole test is ruined.
Step 6: Go to the hospital and allow them to place an IVcatheter, even though you are mortally afraid of needles.
Step 7: Receive medications through the IV to (I swear I’mnot making this up) make sure you don’t remember what they do to you while you’rein there. Because you’ll remain awakefor the procedures, but God forbid you be able to tell the rest of the world oran attorney what actually happened.
Step 8: Double Penetration (don’t worry—if you can’tremember, it didn’t happen! Drunk rules.)
Step 9: The pictures are posted on the internet for Japanesebusinessmen to bid on (this part is just conjecture, because it wasn’t listedin the Helpful Pamphlet, but let’s be totally real—it’s happening)
Obviously, I’m super excited. Except for that I’ve already seen IndecentProposal, and I believe that protocol is that if you’re going to get penetratedby a stranger, it should result in a check for one million dollars. And if you’re going to get double penetrated,then it should definitely be for two million dollars. I would be willing to accept 1.5 million,since the second is only oral, but shouldn’t a girl have some kind ofstandards?