Clam. I said it.

I had to make clam chowder at school today. Correction: I GOT to make clam chowder at school today. It had fresh cream, fresh clams, homemade broth, and a little shaker of the love I put into everything I do. I call that love “apathy.” I didn’t even taste it as I made it,save once when I tasted the soup BEFORE the clams got added back in to the mix. Basically meaning it’s possible I tasted one or several molecules of clam liquor, and it wasn’t horrendous. But here’s the deal-how in the name of the beauty that is womanhood am I supposed to EAT something that looks like this when it comes out of its shell?
Huh? How??
For fuck’s sake!

Now if this weren’t enough of a culinary farce, I have recently seen a NEW clam coming into popularity called a geoduck clam (pronounced “gooey duck”). Again, I’m not lying about this. Here is a very standard, run-of-the-mill picture of a geoduck clam:
I don’t know how fishermen manage to keep a straight face while they’re scooping ocean-porn onto their boats. Nor do I know how any straight man could cut this up and eat it.

I know I wasn’t about to eat those littleneck clams at school though. I wanted to cover their shame with a paper towel. Or at least find the part of the kitchen where they keep the All-Clad speculums.

My only major triumph in researching this post is that I know where baby Smurfs come from, and I’ll give you a hint: they are most decidedly NOT delivered by storks.


12 thoughts on “Clam. I said it.”

  1. I do agree with Claudia; shellfish are one of the great pleasures the ocean has to offer. You really should try them.

    (You can close your eyes and think of something else, like Miuccia Prada DEMANDING that she be allowed to design the apron for your Top Chef d├ębut.)

  2. Clams and other shellfish make me want to clamp my jaw shut (in the best spirit of 2-year-olds everywhere) and say “No no NO!”

    ‘Cause they yucky. And rubbery. And slimy.

    (who is too lazy to log in)

  3. I’m with you on the anti-shellfish front. Besides their slimy, snot-like, putridity, they spend their lives feasting on human waste effluent. I’ll stick with things that don’t live at the openings of sewage pipes, thank you very much.

  4. Your pictures are worthy of National Geographic. But I’m with you on the slime factor, and the not eating things that look like peoples’ naughty bits.

  5. At least the smurf clam isn’t bearded?

    I adore seafood, but I haven’t had the heart to try geoduck yet…or sea anemone. Oh, and I had Uni (sea urchin) once and I think once was enough. But the rest of it? I’ll eat your share, please and thank you. I mean that. Pass me the chowdah.

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