Surprise! *POW*


This is my wisdom tooth. I am now 25% less wise. Those are percentage points I can scarcely afford to lose, having come so close to discovering the meaning of life, or at least how to bake a decent loaf of artisinal bread.

Today has been FULL of gems. One of those real winners where basically mother nature takes her big, vegetable-clenching fist and punches you right in the nards, even if you don’t technically have nards because you’re a woman. I guess you it’d be more accurate to say I got punched in the baby-maker, but whatever.

Today was our last day with chef, heralding the end of a reign of terror that ended in me getting a pretty fierce case of Stockholm syndrome. I’m going to miss the guy, I won’t lie. All the yelling and degrading and fear got kind of washed out by the fact that he let me use the Gelato 3000 today, which I then promptly broke (but only after making some delicious grapefruit-mint sorbet in it). Now we get other chef, who is, as always, a delightfully German goofball. I’m pretty excited. And we get to start garde manger, which is going to be awesome because it’s all cheesemaking and sausagery and delectable canapes. Oh, and some other wack shit, like fois gras and pate and terrines and gelatins filled with things that are NOT pineapple or marachino cherries. But those I can avoid.

I hate dentists. Like, HATE them. I cry as soon as I walk into their offices, and I can’t go near the chair without COPIOUS amounts of valium. Not so bad as airplanes, which I hate the most, but pretty bad. So as a result, my wisdom teeth are still in my mouth. I get my teeth cleaned, but avoid any surgeries that I possibly can. I woke up today in the worst oral pain ever. The tooth that’s been teething was causing some kind of desperate ruckus in my mouth, and it hurt like fire. So after school, I went to the dentist to get it looked at. And he said it was bad, and then he SURPRISED me by taking out my wisdom tooth, with NO DAYS TO PREPARE FOR THIS. So my mouth is full of blood and gauze and I can’t speak or eat. And when the novacaine wears off, I’m going to be a saaaaad puppy. Because my mouth looks like a crime scene. Dexter, famed and adorable serial killer, would be afraid of my mouth. It’s going to suck. I’m going to be taking pictures of only narcotics for the whole weekend, since that’s mostly what I’ll be eating.

It’s been 30 minutes, and I’m supposed to take the gauze out now, but I’m afraid I will a) get a dry socket, whatever that is and/or b)drown in my own blood. Yes, 30 minutes since the surgery ended. No exaggeration. I live extremely close to the dentist and I type fast.

I’m glad I had a decent dinner last night. Hot dogs, truffle fries, and blackberry pavlova. Its memory will get me through the weekend.

I love hot dogs, provided they’re snob hot dogs. Or ballpark hot dogs, which I also love, despite the fact that they’re made mostly of bunghole and snout, sit in a pool of fetid water for hours and hours, and come on a bun made from sugar and paper. But this was a snob hot dog, so it was fantastic: Applewood Farms organic, vegetarian fed, humanely-raised hot dog on fresh pan au lait bun, topped with homemade pickled cucumbers and onions (pickled in a brine of coriander, mustard seed, turmeric, sugar, cayenne and vinegar), and ketchup/smokey onion mustard.

The truffle fries were just deep fried potato wafers tossed with parmaggiano, parsley, and white truffle oil.

Blackberry pavlova=tasty and healthy (ish). Super.

8 thoughts on “Surprise! *POW*”

  1. my proudest moment of having my wisdom teeth yanked was the fact that I stayed awake for the whole thing. Kevin Vlack was in the room next to me getting his wisdom teeth yanked at the same time. He passed out.

  2. I only have 3 wisdom teeth, so at least if you had one removed then we’re now on a level playing field. My original hack of a dentist told me to take them out when I was about 11. I was scared, and they weren’t a problem. He provoked me for years, until when I was 16 I switched dentists based on the suspicions that:
    a) he cared less about patient toothsome wellness than money
    b) he was verbally abusive to the hygienists.
    When I started going to New Amazing Dentist it turns out that Old Despicable Dentist was a deplorable fraud, and had charged for tooth removals that he had never done. Bah. Still full of rage.

    But less about teeth, more about charcuterie! You’re making SAUSAGES, CHEESE and PATE?! Kristie, girl, I think my nips just sprang to attention. I am so riddled with jealously right now. Please, please give us updates on what you’re making and how you’re doing it.

    Also: I’m kinda bummed that you’re not on Dalton’s team. Yes, it would have been sheer misery for you, requiring every ounce of professionalism and maturity that you could muster just to make it through on a day to day basis. But the STORIES we would get….whoooeeeeee!!!!! Okay, so that kinda makes me a jerk, but at least I’m a jerk who really likes your stories.

  3. Getting your wisdom teeth out doesn’t have to be horrible. I had all four removed when I was about 22… about 45 minutes after I came too (and just after I removed the gauze) I was eating the pizza and nachos my girlfriend had intended to tease me with.

    I was lucky, my cheeks didn’t swell up like I was Dizzy Gillespie sans horn. No pain either… the narcotics were spared for more recreational uses. Hopefully, you will have a similar experience.

  4. Between the truffle fries and the pavlova, I’d be a happy woman.

    Getting wisdom teeth removed sucks, not only for the loss-o-wise, but also for the healing process. Will do a special anti-dry-socket dance for you this afternoon…

    Totally staying tuned for the charcuterie!

  5. Your tooth’s roots are way smaller than mine were. Mine roots were longer than the teeth. Am I making this up or did you tell me once that your wisdom teeth didn’t have roots?

  6. Oh yeah, and sorry you didn’t get any prep time, that’s not cool. They had to give me anti-anxiety pills to take before I even left the house the morning of my surgery so I wouldn’t be freaking out in the office.

  7. Whew! All those hotdog details makes me hungry RIGHT NOW. Hehe! Yeah, wisdom teeth are like one of the most annoying thing in a person's life! I was sixteen when I had my first wisdom tooth and it was bad I didn't eat for a week. All I had was corn soup and some really soft bread. And milk, to regain some strength. It took almost three months before I decided to go to the dentist. I was scheduled to have my braces in weeks before I fly to Murfreesboro for a long vacation, so the surgery has to be done immediately. I was asleep the whole time so I didn't feel all the drilling. Hehe!

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