That’s What I Like About TEXAS

Since the Spiteful Chef is in Jamaica, I will be the featured guest-blogger for the next few days. I must admit, my culinary wisdom pales in comparison to hers. She pays to improve her prowess, and I still regularly apply the sniff test to most foods I find in my apartment. (The great thing about MREs is that they always pass the sniff test because they have been engineered to have neither smell nor taste.) The funny thing is, I am the go-to guy in my apartment when it comes to questions about food. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that my room mates are single-handedly (3 handedly?) putting the Totino’s family through med-school. In other words, I kinda suck at cooking. Fortunately, I perform well when tasked with the best part of cooking…

Eating. The Spiteful Chef has been kind enough to provide me with 4 meals and 3 cakes to enjoy during my stay. I will provide you all with stunning analysis using descriptive words that the layperson can understand. (Tastes like foot, doesn’t taste like foot, etc.) I will also provide updates on the animals, partly to provide you with reassurance, and partly to remind me that if I don’t act like a grown-ass man, they will defecate in my luggage. Most importantly, I will carry on the proud family tradition of bitching about everything in life that falls below my arbitrary golden standard.

I have yet to eat any of the pre-made meals.

The animals are attacking my fiance. They seem to be prevailing.

There, with those two out of the way I can focus on bitching about Texas. If TX were a food, (which it probably is down here) it would certainly fall in the “tastes like foot” category. Immediately upon exiting the plane, I was overwhelmed by the overheated funkiness of this state. A lovely geriatric in a cowboy hat gave me a hardy (I think that word is ok in this state) “Howdy Yall!” I think their customer service department should try a more empathetic phrase. Maybe, “Welcome to Texas. Sorry.” Whatever, she was just doing her job. I will let that one slide. After leaving the airport, I found the vehicle and turned on the GPS. Let me introduce you to the Texas Highway System. When you were a kid, did you ever turn the two wheels on your Etch-a-Sketch as quickly and randomly as you could? If you did, you could have a successful career in the Texas Department of Transportation. My GPS revealed a cluster of black lines intersecting randomly and repeatedly. I almost reached out and shook the GPS, hoping I could start over. I must stop here, because I really want to give special attention to a Dairy Queen commercial that tugs at my heart-strings.

Every Dairy Queen commercial in Texas ends with a man drawling (new verb) the following phrase: “That’s what I like about TEEEEEEEXASSS.” You know what? I like ice cream. I like cookies and burgers. I also like not being a fat piece of shit. Maybe the obesity rate in Texas wouldn’t be 28.1% (CDC 2007) if there was something else to like in Texas besides Dairy Queen. I would get off my high horse and stop judging these people, but I am not a decent person.

I will get back to writing about food as soon as I get to try some. I look forward to updating you throughout the week, because That’s All I Like About Texas.

9 thoughts on “That’s What I Like About TEXAS”

  1. I am most looking forward to the pet updates… are you smart enough to upload pictures? Sorry you’re in Texas… that’s rather unfortunate. Love ya.

  2. The sad thing about those Dairy Queen commercials? When you listen to enough of them and you go back to CO, you start thinking the Dairy Queen commercials are a little off. It takes about 30 minutes of pondering before realizing that it’s off because it doesn’t end with that stupid “That’s what I like about Texas” phrase.

    Same thing happens when you hear the Champion Motors commercial but in reverse–you expect it to say “John Elway” but they don’t. And it’s sad.

  3. Attacking me with Love!
    I’m the one stuck with playing fetch for hours since you’re so busy playing Call of Duty 😉
    Let’s go eat some Sacher Torte

  4. Don’t congregate at the Dairy Queen, unless you have a mask! And you can’t take off your mask to enjoy a DQ blizzard anyway, because Texas now has 294 cases of swine flu! It’s just best to stay inside and eat real food. And tell us about it. =)

  5. Welcome. I loved reading your post. You are right about Texas. It would definitely go into the tastes like foot category. And smells like foot category. And looks like ugly foot category. And I say this BEING from Texas. I can not wait to move back to Colorado where I belong.

  6. Hey Huck,
    You aren’t as pretty as Kristie and I’m sure you can’t cook as well, but you’re just as funny. Let us know what she left you that’s good to eat. And also, tell us WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT TEXAS! Love, Momma

  7. hooza, thanks for keeping the Kristie spirit alive! If nobody said that a guest blogger would be hatching through the interweb I never would have known. You’re going to do just fine, kid.

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