There is currently a War on Gluten, and I keep losing friends to the dark side. I have one friend who is celiac, so I get that. But everyone else is just doing it to make me unhappy and ruin my ability to craft baked goods out of love and King Arthur products. Just eat the coffee cake, for the love of frosting and all things donut holey!
So this one’s for all you fools who don’t want to get all up in some gluten. And it’s sooooo delicious. *horking noises* Enjoy your newfound dietary freedom. A freedom wherein you can put all of Red Mill Bob’s kids through braces and an ivy league tertiary education.
I still love gluten. And the only reason I’m going to try this is because of my imminent 30th birthday, and my very real need to dress like a complete floozy while we’re in Las Vegas. I need to drop a few percents of body fat if I want to be able to show my belly to the judges, and I’m cranking up the exercise, so I just need to crank down the calories at home and then go spend a bazillion dollars buying age-inappropriate clothing at Bebe and BCBG.
I don’t do Spanx. Actually, most days I just wander around in my running shorts and don’t do underpants either, so it should come as no surprise that the idea of restrictive, full-body sausage casing made of a reinforced poly-steel blend isn’t exactly a stop on my road to happiness.
Every five years I like to have a quinquennial life crisis where I behave poorly for a few weeks so as to remind myself that I’m still young and socially valid. My quarter life crisis was a rough one, and so far this one is shaping up to be more fun than turmoil-filled. But I still need skanky outfits.
So for the next 28 days, I’m going to try to make one of these kale smoothies each day as a meal replacement. Hopefully I’ll be able to start varying the flavors a little bit. Today’s flavor was “grass clippings” with an emphasis on the “ass.” Also, I feel like smoothies shouldn’t be so chewy, especially after a whir in the Vitamix.
Kale is a superfood. If you ask the internet about the health benefits of kale, it will automatically start playing Queen’s “We Are the Champions” and telling you that kale can do everything from preventing cancer to sitting next to you and cuddling while you watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It’s good for all your parts, and you should be eating it always all the time. I’m thinking of just setting up a kale juice IV or seeing if I can get it compressed into suppositories by that company that turns placentas into capsules that you can swallow whole without having to think about the fact that YOU’RE EATING A PLACENTA.
See? That’s gross enough to even think about that all of a sudden, kale is starting to sound as tasty as those Blazin’ Buffalo Wings Ruffles, right? Because at least it isn’t the “P-word.”
Today I put in 2 cups of raw kale, a chopped fuji apple (skin on), 2 peeled carrots, some water, a teaspoon of raw honey, and hope.
|See all that hope? No? It’s obscured by kale.|
What I received was a thick green substance that didn’t pour so much as it meandered sluggishly into my pint glass, like a hungover high school student oozing unenthusiastically into his SAT exam seat. It was obviously not going to go down the hatch without some serious negotiation, so back into the blender…
I added a quarter cup of orange juice and a couple of ice cubes to make it less warm. I ended up with this:
|I think I might need a dental dam|
And it tastes so…nutritious…that I don’t even mind the fact that I feel like I’m hitting 5th base with Moss Man after a long, sweaty run.
|Is that a club in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?|
I’ll keep you posted on both how awesome all of the nutrition is making me feel (if my hair isn’t shiny by this afternoon, I quit), and how to make these drinks more palatable and less like I’m being hazed by a garden gnome fraternity.