I know, I know…you’re tired of my tirades against foreign dignitaries, aren’t you? Well, here’s some great news for you! Yesterday’s dinner was not against a specific dignitary so much as it was against an entire government’s failure to behave in a way I find appropriate. The Chinese government. And also, it relates to North Korea, who is still pissing me off. A lot. But not so much that I’m willing to eat more of their food just yet. I need a few weeks to press that memory way, way down into the depths of my subconscious (along with other repressable memories, like finding midget porn in a friend’s nightstand *shiver*)
Where was I? Oh yes, North Korea. They’re still acting like a pack of juvenile delinquents with nuclear weapons. Every day they do something else that pisses me off. Most recently, it was the hacking of the US government computers. Chris and I had a talk about it, which I made note of for your perusal:
China needs to control North Korea better. They’re causing trouble A-GAIN. They hacked into the US computer system.
If the US can’t secure its computers against hacking from North Korea…I mean, they’ve got like 7 hamsters and a light bulb running an Apple IIe in a cave.
Or just an Easy Bake Oven with numbers drawn on it in Sharpie. “Hold on! The light’s on inside! It’s thinking!”
Or they just send Kim Jong Il to the bathroom and then really quickly type “US COMPUTERS HACKED” as his screensaver and then when he comes back in he’ll see it and be like “I did it!” and they’ll tell him he did because he’s a genius.
That’s the kind of nonsense that goes on in our household all the time. It’s the result of putting two self-congratulatory people in one house, knowing that the only person they like better than themselves is one another. It gets worse when my brother is around, because then those conversations go on for 20 minutes at a time, each of us constantly trying to one-up the previous comment.
I am serious, though, about China needing to control their little lapdog before it jumps off of the plastic-covered couch and starts biting another unsuspecting neighborhood child. If they’re so BFF with the little weasels, then they should be the ones who have the most influence, right? China provides almost all of North Korea’s economic and food aid, and single-handedly supports their weak-ass economy. So when we all get together and agree that there should be some kind of punishment for North Korea’s misbehavior, i.e. taking their nuclear toys away, China should support the punishment it’s agreed to, and not be the parent who’s like “well, okay. As long as you’re sorry and don’t do it again.” It’s BULL SHIT.
So that’s why China is pissing me off. Grow some backbone, already! And I feel bad for being so angry at them, on account of how much I appreciate the moves they’re taking toward the electric car and greening their country up and loaning the United States trillions of dollars to correct how generally effed up our country has become. I think all of those things are great. I couldn’t be more thrilled that they’ve decided to become an economic pally with us, instead of just stagnating in their own roguery, hoping that a Marxist spaceship will come down from the sky and give them bazillions of dollars. Good for you, China!
But think about this: If they allow North Korea to keep acting like ballbags, eventually somebody is going to do something drastic. Here, I’m picturing McCain and Palin on a festively decorated porch in Alaska, letting their spawn light the fuses of nuclear missiles with color-changey sparklers while they watch, drinking red, white, and blue daquiries and talking about how made-up dinosaurs really are.
And when that happens, it’s highly likely that the United States will enter a real war and spend even more money and never be able to pay them back for the loans. At least, that’s my logic.
But the real question is this: does Chinese cuisine have the spark and excitement necessary to motivate them to act? Does it…sizzre?
Typical American renditions of Chinese cuisine are approximately negative 4 on an authenticity scale of 1-10. It’s baaaaaad. But growing up, we went to a Chinese restaurant that I felt was pretty authentic. It’s called Wan’s and it’s in Aurora, CO. It was a special weekend treat for our family, when my brother was a toddler and I was in primary school. My dad would always get szechuan beef, my mom always got kung pao or cashew chicken, and my brother and I always got some sort of stir-fried beef, which we’d only eat the meat out of, leaving the vegetables for my dad. Before we got our entrees, though, we always got a bowl of sizzling rice soup. It was delicious and fun and exciting, and my mom always found a mushroom in it and gave it to my toddler brother saying “Erik, are you missing something?” and then he’d reflexively grab his junk and look concerned. Hilarity.
So when I wanted to make something really Chinese, that’s where I went for inspiration, and decided to make sizzling rice soup. I just love to hear it sizzle. I even video-taped it for you, so you could PERSONALLY hear it sizzle.
The effect is achieved by cooking rice, then baking it until it’s dry, then deep frying it, and then placing it directly from the fryer into a boiling hot bowl of soup. The soup is made from chicken stock, soy sauce, sesame oil, rice vinegar, garlic, ginger, and (in this case) pork. The veggies involved were baby bok choi, carrots, green onions, and water chestnuts. The soup was flavorful and light, but what really hits it home is the rice, which is chewy and tender and crunchy all at once. I honestly felt like I’d traveled back in time and was sitting in the restaurant with my parents. It made me a little teary-eyed. I miss my dad, and not just because he let me ransack most of the meat off of his plate.
With such a warm and comforting meal, you’d think that the Chinese would have a reason to be complacent and laissez faire about North Korea. But you’d be wrong, because there’s plenty of spark and excitement. For God’s sake, it SIZZRES.