Amphibious Sexin

I just want to take this opportunity to say how much I love politics.  It’s a thing that my family doesn’t feel as comfortable discussing, but I could discuss it all day.  Chris also likes talking politics, or listening to my political rants, so that works out well for both of us.

But this last 6 months, I have far surpassed my usual love for politics and transformed into something that I would call “giddy with joy.” So, with my love of culinary series (see the series on dictators or Asian food for white people or places the military tried to make me go), I think it’s probably a great idea to make an honorary dish for each of the candidates, along with some of the reasons I love them.

Except for Santorum.  Because nobody wants to eat frothy ass-juice, unless you’re talking about the kale shake I made yesterday.  Okay, I retroactively dedicate yesterday’s post to both Santorum AND Moss Man.  You can sharesies.

Today, I’d like to focus on my man, The Newt.  Part of the reason for this is that I purchased pork chops at the market, and I can’t think of anything that Newt looks more like than a pallid slab of pork with swaths of mashed potato hair and squinchy little caper-sized eyeballs that are busily eyeing up whatever juicy little female fly happens to accidentally land on his bachelilypad while his current Newt Wife is being diagnosed with and/or treated for a terminal illness.

And speaking of wives, The Newt also super-much likes porking things.  All things.  Especially things that look EXACTLY LIKE TREE FROGS.

A tree frog

Callista Gingrich

If a tree frog and a newt mate, can they potentially make babies because they’re both amphibians?  Or is that not as close as a wolf and a dog?  This is why biology is confusing.  King Philip Came Over From Germany Saturday…right?  So is amphibian a Germany? Or a Philip?  NO!  It’s a CAME.  WHICH MAKES THIS EVEN MORE AWESOME!

But it also means they can’t make babies, only that they can attempt to mate frantically and confusedly with each others ear holes.  I think that’s probably best for everyone anyway.

I went to WhoFo earlier and made the grave mistake of purchasing thin, center-cut pork chops.  I hate center cut pork chops.  They’re bland, useless, and think they can colonize the moon.

Wait, no.  That’s my pal Newt again.  One of his major campaign promises was that we would colonize the moon by 2020 or something.  Because there’s already a man on the moon, and it’s so close that we can see it from Sarah Palin’s house, so why not, right?  We’ll just refurbish the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria and sail on up there.  I, for one, am not going until there’s potable water and delivery from Amazon Prime. But then I’m totally in, because the lack of gravity would make me look 25 again.

So I’m left with these horrible little pork chops.

I give you: THE NEWT

An open-face liar…er… sandwich that is such an epic conglomeration of nonsense that it can’t help but be appealing to the voters of South Carolina. 

To assemble The Newt, pound your pork (YEAH BABY) until it’s about 1/2″ thick.  Then soak in a marinade of buttermilk and dijon mustard for 3-4 hours.

In a bowl, combine 1.5 C flour with 4 T seasoned salt (I used Vulcan’s fire salt).  Dredge each piece of pork thoroughly in the dry flour (not unlike the hostile, menopausal environment of Callista’s hoo-ha)

Fry the pork at 375 F until the outside is crispy and golden brown.

Then take three pieces of hot dog bun (because you’ve got six total hot dog buns and two people to feed, but also because it would seem that Newt has, indeed, three hot dogs to be satisfying that many ladies in such a short period of time) and cover them in shaved smoked gouda.  Broil until the bread is toasted and the cheese is bubbling.

Top with two slabs of fried pork, a good wad of sauerkraut, some shaved green apple, and a squirt of stone ground mustard.

If you want to get frisky, you could take three additional pieces of bubbly, cheesy bun and make this a full-on sammich.

Eat all but the last two bites.  Then move on to a different sandwich because YOU CAN.

Oh, Newt.  Thank you for being a part of the election process this year.  And thank you for inspiring this (totally tasty) sandwich.

1 thought on “Amphibious Sexin”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *