Fit to be fried

Well, my first day as a personal trainer at the hardcore, unnamed gym was today. I didn’t train anybody, but instead got to watch lengthy videos about sexual harassment narrated by a woman with eyebrows just like this only more severe and less sexy. She seemed VERY concerned about about such harassing scenarios as calling a spreadsheet “retarded” or asking someone if all the numbers on the new finance report are “kosher.” Then we had to talk about some of the scenarios. In one, there was a man asking this wildly, offensively unattractive woman named Jane if he could take her on a date, to which she replied “no”. He then asked her again and told her she had lovely hair. Our instructor posed the question “What’s wrong here?” I showed my infinite maturity by not saying “Looks like Jane needs to get laaaaaaaid!” and trying to high-five my classmates.

After I had learned a valuable lesson from the harassment video (lesson: don’t ask Jane on a date. She’s an uptight beeatch) I got my little trainer shirt and nametag and went to an entirely different gym to do more paperwork. Fun day overall. Tomorrow I actually have to start training people, which is great in theory, except for that I don’t know how to train. I asked how it’s done and was told “just help them out and tell them your own personal tricks that have helped you become fit.” Okaaaay….it will take me 3 minutes to deliver my personal 3-step plan for weight loss ( 1. take bupropion, 2. run marathons, 3. eat shitloads of sugar-free jello). What do I do with the other 52 minutes they’re paying me for? The answer, apparently, is to find out how fat they are and then make them do pushups and walk on a treadmill. Schweeeeeet. In all seriousness, I work better under pressure, and may magically remember some of the things I learned in the full hour I spent studying before taking my exam to get certified. Plus the gym folk are lovely, and in better shape than I, and can probably help me to get in better shape, so that’ll be great.

I think the first step in my training will be the lesson “do as I say, not as I do.” This is what I had for dinner tonight: It was a hearty slab of chicken-fried steak, made from grass-fed beef I picked up at the local WhoFo that was doused in buttermilk and crumbled ciabatta crumbs. Fresh baby spinach wilted in carmelized onions, garlic, and crispy prosciutto cotto made up the vegetable portion of the event, and a thick, buttery mound of mashed potatoes rounded it out. Sure, we ate fruit salad with a multitude of rainbow colors alongside it, but I don’t think it could do much to offset the deep-fried goodness of the chicken-fried steak.

I followed up with sugar-free jello, because I am a personal trainer, and as such an expert, I dictate that sugar-free jello melts calories.

9 thoughts on “Fit to be fried”

  1. You should get some Southern sherrif-type mirrored aviators and shout "Respect my authoritai!" while you wave a riding crop at them. You'll scare them thin.

    Sugar free jello and chicken fried steak. Oh yeah, that's the road to fitness. Don't mess with Texas, y'all.

  2. I would have had sweeter dreams had you shown us the mashed potatoes. With the butter, of course. But that chicken-fried steak has me droolin' on me keyboard! Good luck tomorrow – I love when they work….Momma

  3. I love that prosciutto is a major component of your vegetable. Excellent.

    Don't worry about the training thing. I've had a few sessions at that same unnamed gym chain, and it was really just telling me to get on a machine, showing me how to do it, then moving on to the next one. And writing it down for next time. Seems easy enough.

    Sugar free jello is my favorite. I love the dark chocolate puddin.

  4. Here's my take on the whole training thing. People who are soliciting training advice from said unnamed gym probably have NO clue what they're doing. People who do have a clue what they're doing either don't need/want a trainer or are spending big bucks on some Hollywood-type trainer to take it to the next level. So you could probably tell them anything and they'll think you're great. Not that that gives you free reign to tell the cute, petite, blonde girl who wants to tone up that cupcakes are really in order for the kind of results she's looking for. But your general knowledge of fitness far surpasses the average gym-goer so have confidence and you'll get comfortable barking orders at people in no time.

  5. I want to hear more about that bupriopin, or whatever it was…..after all, I don't see any marathons in my immediate future, and jello sometimes makes me want to vomit (and other times I eat the crap out of it, so who REALLY knows?). So back to the drugs….

    Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!!! You're going to be an amazing trainer, you know. I wish you could be MY trainer, except that you'd actually make me work out and then I'd resent it despite the fact that I'd be dishing out massive money for you to punish me in just such a way. Just like the jello, sometimes we want the things we don't want…..

  6. Woohooo for the inappropriate sexual harasssment notes. What would have been worse was if said sexual harassment instructor had been standing in front of you as opposed to being on a dumb video. I think sexual harassment videos should be all about HOW you actually sexually harass people. That would be way more fun. With mandatory demonstrations from the hottest ppl in the class. OH YAH BABY!!!!

  7. Took a sexual harassment training class once, person sitting next to me, one Cindy Apple, told the instructor she thought it was to improve her technique not prevent it.

    What does asking if the numbers are Kosher have to do with sex? Nobody in NYC would raise an eyebrow at that phrase. It actually is correct usage.

    followed the crumbs from Cook Eat Fret and that steak is awesome.

    Proscuitto is a major item in our cooking life, but we are down to four pounds in the freezer. Of course there are two whole hams hanging.

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