C-love and special sauce ~

Taking a break from politics (although I still have a Santorum post and an Obama post to delight the masses) to share something serious with you.

One of my main problems–in life–is that my desire to eat junk is balanced equally and oppositely against my desire to continue fitting into my current size pants.  Or maybe a smaller kind of pants.  I don’t know. I don’t want to get greedy or anything, but if this “colorful denim jeggings” thing is going to stick around, there is no way that can happen at the same time as I’m eating entire bags of Twizzler Pull n’ Peel.

Or the Heath bar baking bits that I’m currently shoveling into my mouth while I type.

So my options are as follows:

1) Buy bigger pants
2) Spend more time at the gym
3) Deprive myself of the foods I love
4) Figure out a loophole in the system

Number one is expensive and will make me sad. Plus I don’t want my current pants to go all Velveteen Rabbit on me and end up feeling unloved and lost.

Number two is totally unrealistic, given the fact that I already like BFF with our entire gym staff, and spend half my day sending my trainer texts like “Hey! You should Google the self-defense mechanism of sea cucumbers!”

Plus, they’re only willing to parent my child 2 hours per day, and that includes the time I have to spend in the locker room avoiding eye contact with the lady who insists on blow-drying her hair totally naked with her bush on display.

Number three is so far-fetched that it’s basically like saying “Hey! We should build a MOON COLONY this week!”

So…loophole it is!

I have to find ways to enjoy the foods that I’m obsessed with, without getting too big for my pants.  Easier said than done.  How the hell am I going to craft Twizzlers out of beet greens and tofu??

I decided to tackle buffalo wings, given that the Superbowl was yesterday and buffalo wings are toward the very tip-top of my cravings list each day.  Right behind “create a meaningful emotional relationship with Jon Stewart” and “something something world peace.”

SUCCESS!!  This recipe is so stupid-easy that my 17 month old could do it without breaking suction on his sippy cup (those are SO just glorified bottles, people!!)

I’m actually ashamed to call this a recipe, but I’m going to for the sake of sharing the method with you.

-a whole chicken, roasted or rotisseried to doneness, cooled (I like organic, because I’m a hippie)
-1 C Frank’s Red Hot sauce
-3 T brown sugar
-1 T butter
-6 carrots, shredded
-a bunch of sturdy lettuce leaves (I used romaine because it was cheap)
-Mix 3 T ranch dressing with 3 T buttermilk and put in a squeezy bottle.

–Remove the skin from the chicken, and then pull the meat off of the bones.  Save the bones for stock.
–Place the meat in your food processor with a blade and pulse until the chicken is chopped evenly, but not a paste.  If you don’t have a food processor, you can chop finely with a knife.
–Place in a heavy-bottomed, medium pot over low heat with the hot sauce, butter, and brown sugar.  Stir occasionally until the butter is melted, and the mixture is hot.
–Serve with shredded carrots and lettuce leaves and make into lettuce wraps or lettuce cups.  Drizzle each cup/wrap with buttermilk ranch dressing.

If this doesn’t make your mouth water, then you hate America

OMG.  A perfectly delicious recreation of the buffalo wing experience, only with more meat and sauce, lower calories (by far), no frying smell, no waitresses in slutty orange shorts and titty shirts and more vegetable goodness.

I beg you to try this.  If it makes you feel more authentic to eat them wearing orange shorts and titty shirts, then by all means! It’s good enough to warrant a special “wings outfit” for sure.

My buffalo wing sauce is the best buffalo wing sauce on the planet.  Ever.  So these should be the best low-cal buffalo wings on the planet.  Basically.  Except for the not-wings part.  And they’re still messy in a very satisfying, dripping way.

Problem one: Buffalo Wings

Wrap it up, stuff it in your craw, feel good about yourself for eating healthy


P.S. You should definitely Google the self-defense mechanism of sea cucumbers.  It’s the exact same self-defense mechanism that human males use to protect themselves from human females.

2 thoughts on “C-love and special sauce ~”

  1. This is freaking brilliant, love the whole spicy lettuce wrap take on the wing, AND the fact that your sauce doesn't contain 2 pounds of butter. Good luck on the pants front.

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