Spooky. And gross.

I’m not the world’s biggest fan of Halloween. I know that in certain circles that makes me the un-costumed version of the devil, but I’m just not. I don’t hate it, per se, I just don’t go all out. I have three basic reasons:

1- I am easily frightened. People have little RIP tombstones littering their front yard and a skull on their doorstep, and I begin contemplating my own mortality. People have a scarecrow with a Freddy Kruger mask just chilling in their flower beds, and I spend the next three or four nights either lying awake in my bedroom with all of the lights on, trying to convince my uninterested dog to stay awake with me while Chris sleeps, or popping sleep aids like TicTacs to relax my oversensitive imagination. I do not like scary costumes AT ALL, and I think masks are just disgusting in general. Gory makeup is not my bag, and seeing an axe sticking out of someone’s back makes me tear up with fear. Also, people seem to think that giant spiders are acceptable at this time of year, and I could not disagree more. Until Halloween decor changes from fright and gore to nothing but Jack o’ lanterns and cute little Casper-style ghosts, I am going to spend most of October being alarmed.

2- Halloween costumes have gotten very bad in my age group. When other women ask me what I’m going to be for Halloween, I’m very tempted to respond, “I’m going as a slut. I’m assuming you are also going as a slut. The question is really what VARIETY of slut we’ll be going as. Will you be a devil slut? A nurse slut? A freaking slut bumblebee? Tell me. A slutty ladybug? A slutty cat? A slutty scarecrow? The options are limitless.” (in case you were wondering, this year I will be an an angel slut, because I found a really cute BCBG white dress that I wanted to buy, and have very few occasions in my life where a pure white dress will be appropriate). I remember the first costume I ever saw that was “sexy” instead of costumy. In third grade, my mom helped me make a costume that was supposed to be a Graduate of Hershey College. I had a little graduation gown and cap, and a diploma around my neck that had crumpled Hershey wrappers glued to it. I was incredibly proud of my costume, mostly because I really, really loved Hershey chocolate. But before lunch, at the water fountain, Allyson Wierda made fun of my costume for being childish. She was wearing a scandalous little pirate outfit, which in retrospect was probably not the most appropriate outfit for a third grader to wear. I was ashamed, and from that year forward, I tried to come up with more grown-up costume ideas.

Note: it is pointless to wear anything other than face paint for Halloween in Colorado, because it invariably snows on Halloween, and your parents make you wear a snowsuit and mittens and a hat over any potential costume.

Second Note: If Allyson Wierda ever reads this, I’m sure you’ve turned out to be a lovely, non-scandalous adult. No hard feelings. Although you pretty much did ruin pirates for me.

3- All of the children who come to our door are greedy little snot factories. Babies in costumes are ADORABLE. Toddlers in costumes are ALSO ADORABLE, provided their parents put them in something cute–nobody wants to see a toddler in stained Carhartts and a George W. Bush mask. But children over the age of 8 end up just being greedy and taking handfuls upon handfuls of candy that I very specifically purchased for myself in hopes that we’d have very few trick-or-treaters. Case in point; last year I bought a whole enormous bag of miniature Twix bars. I figured we’d hand out one or two, and then I’d have an excuse to plow through the rest of the bag. INCORRECT. Instead I had fat twelve-year-olds grabbing 10 or 20 at a time, leaving me with a grand total of zero Twix bars, and also forcing me to scramble around my house trying to find extra candy so that we’d not have to turn any trick-or-treaters away. Hell hath no fury like a scorned trick-or-treater. The last several children got Ricola cough drops for Halloween. To your health, children, to your health.

Note: I trick-or-treated until I was 21. Then I went to bars. I am aware of my hypocrisy.

Second Note: One year (age 22 maybe?) I went to the bars as slutty Catwoman (is there another kind?). I had one of those little whip-like cat toys as part of my costume. There was this EXTRA slutty girl wearing a skirt that was clearly designed for a preschooler and no underpants, and she was rubbing against all the boys–even the ones who had been spoken for. Three drinks in I lost my temper and thwacked her in the cooter with my cat toy/ whip. I turned around and kept dancing before she could visually figure out who or what had hit her babymaker. I am simultaneously proud and ashamed of this achievement.

Third note: Mostly proud.

10 thoughts on “Spooky. And gross.”

  1. PS. I know there are people who have great, creative, non-slutty costumes. Like my friend KaraLynne, who is pregnant and went with her charmingly pale husband as "expectant Bella and Edward". Or my friend Jared, who hand-makes chain link armor, and will likely be going as a medieval knight complete with to-scale carved trebuchet or something like that. I'm talking about the MAJORITY, not the wonderful exceptions.

  2. My sluttiest costume ever was Shera. I sewed it myself. But Shera is awesome, so I don't count it. Aside from that, I'm usually something that requires little effort. This year I will be hiding in my living room with the lights off and pajamas on. I hate trick or treaters. I will clean up the eggs and toilet paper on Sunday. Fine with me.

  3. I was going to mention how much I LURVE Halloween, but you sorta covered that in your comment already. In any case, I will say that I view all "sexy noun" costumes with the sort of disdain normally reserved for convicted felons. Putting on a pair of cat ears to complement your "two band-aids and a cork" ensemble is not what Halloween is about.

    One of the things that caused me to fall incredibly and overwhelmingly in love with my wife was the fact that she wears costume-costumes. She isn't a sexy cat, she's a sky pirate or a Harry Potter character or an itinerant steampunk adventurer. She's still sexy, but she's actually being something. She'll even wear costumes that are decidedly non-sexy (even to me, the man who thinks she is always beautiful, even first thing in the morning when her head looks like a bird's nest). I think putting thought and effort into a costume is the coolest thing. It doesn't even have to be extravagant, it can just be clever. But this is coming from a guy who has been working on Halloween costumes for the past 3 months and still isn't all the way done. So I dunno. I can't understand not liking Halloween. It is easily my favorite holiday. It blows everything else out of the water.

    Also, good job on smacking that woman's hoo-hah. That's the most awesome Halloween story I've ever heard.

  4. DUDE!!! I LURVE your Halloween story. That is so awesome and amazing. I do not DO Halloween, either. But I covered that it my blog post. Also, I am wimpy and scared like you. I will, this year, be moving instead from a 1 bdrm apt to a 3 bdrm apt. FUN. That is kinda scary like Halloween if you ask me. But, seriously…posted pictures of Lorelli's costume. And my cake balls. I love my kid. She is not the grabbing kind. She is the "trick-or-treat may I please have some trick-or-treats, please" kind of kid. She cracks me up.

  5. People always used to get me and Allyson Weirda confused. Not for any good reason other than we are both named Allison (correct spelling). I'm sorry she ruined pirates for you. Pirate costumes rock.

    You know, I don't like "scary" either. I can't even watch the commercials for some of the scary movies out right now. My students tried to convince me today that I'd love Paranormal Activity. I rejected their advances and am going to see Where The Wild Things Are instead.

    This year there is no Halloween for me, unless you count "bedraggled looking grad student" as a costume. I'm also avoiding the masses by going out to dinner with my mama during the witching hour.

    Props to KaraLynne, that's a REALLY good couple-y costume.

  6. ::snicker::

    little kids in costumes get to help themselves. big kids–some of whom don't bother with anything more imaginative than a hoodie and jeans–get ONE little bittie knock-off tootsie roll.

  7. 1. I figured you would have just re-worn your dirndl.

    2. I dressed as Ben Franklin from the movie 1776. I made my costume in 2 hours with some scrubs bottoms and an extra large turtleneck.

    3. The goal is to choose costumes as a kid where your winter coat fits UNDER the costume, thus the costume is not totally ruined.

    4. I think Halloween was ruined for me in 6th grade when I wanted to go as a harem girl and I made my costume, but I went with the non-slutty version which required the wearing of a long sleeved shirt under the top. I told one girl in my 6th grade class that's what I was going as and then, magically, all the other girls ended up going as the same thing. but they went as the slutty version. Ironically it would have been totally awesome and worth it if one of the guys in class had gone as a sheik.

    5. I think I dressed up in 7th grade (Salem era witch), and that was the last year I tried (until this year, but that was because I was going to a friend's house for dinner and we were going to watch the aforementioned movie). Also, just to be clear, I stopped trick or treating when I was in 4th or 5th grade.

  8. I love that Catwoman clocked the ho in her pussy. And I can't believe I just wrote that.

    Hallowe'en is my FAVORITE for…pretty much all the reasons that piss you off. Except that I rarely do sexy. The bar I used to work at got us to do staff-theme every year for our Hallowe'en party, and without fail that meant I'd cart my tickle trunks to work with me and we'd go hog wild. But the year that we had to do pirate theme? I was a sexy-ISH pirate, but with a few blacked out teeth and a hook hand. Being hot was never as much fun to me as a hook hand…..

    My most upsetting Hallowe'en costume was when I was 8 (I think?). I was a Girl Guide (my dorkiness never ends) and I had dressed up like a punk. Except that I decided that I looked more like a hooker than a punk, so when people asked the chubby little Young Tina replied, "I'm a PROSTITUTE! I turn tricks for MONEY!" The Guide Leaders were horrified. I got lectured severely until I cried and they called my parents to take me home. My uber-conservative mother was mortified. 22 years later and I'm still upset with the way it was handled….sigh……

  9. Allyson Weirda can suck it. And probably does. First, An 8 year old in a skankstume? She's likely on her third abortion by now. Second, as a general rule, people who replace normal vowels in their names with y are retarded.

    I'm just jealous because I have never once dressed up as anything remotely sexy. Mostly because I would look like an asshole.

    (kay, I'm done stalking your blog now!)

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