You know what’s awesome? Bacon doughnuts. You know what I made this morning? Bacon doughnuts.

Yeah, they’re a little played out, having gotten all that press on Food Network, but that doesn’t make them less delicious. I had never had one, but I assumed I would like them based on these facts:

I love bacon

I love doughnuts

I love maple syrup

Fat and sugar together increase opiod levels in the brain. Ergo, doughnuts and vicodin are equally effective in making you feel good.

Doughnuts are available without a prescription, and vicodin is difficult (not impossible) to fry.

So basically the obvious choice when you’re trying to get high is doughnuts, and it turns out that doughnuts and bacon are not natural enemies as one would assume, but instead create the most delightful offspring. Like little breakfast mules.

You can make these at home in no time flat, using this recipe Then just mix real maple syrup with powdered sugar to form a spreadable paste. When the doughnuts have been fried but are partially cooled, then spread the top with maple frosting, and sprinkle crispy-fried bacon batons (lardons) over the top.

Of course, some people will be not-so-interested in bacon doughnuts. It’s good manners to provide them with a parting gift as you kick them out of your circle of friends, so I’d suggest one of the other options I’ve created. Like the eggnog frosted doughnuts. Or the almond frosted doughnuts. Or the almond frosted doughnuts with jewel-toned sprinkles.

How sexy is this doughnut??

It’s a good way to say “you’re no longer of any value to me, as a friend, given your refusal of bacon doughnuts, but I’m sure there’s somebody out there who will love you and your non-bacony ways. Here is a peace doughnut to keep you fueled as you traverse the globe looking for such a person. God speed, heathen. God speed.”

Happy Halloween to one and all!!

An aside: After consuming the doughnuts, my arteries feel all cozy and snug on the insides. They’re coated with a thick layer of wooly arterial plaque. What a festive winter feeling!

9 thoughts on “Baconater”

  1. apparently I have been under a rock somewhere because I had never heard about these bacon donuts until your blog…now I must go make them…I am personally blaming you if I can't fit into my cute jeans….wow…bacon on a donut….

  2. OK, I've seen you, in PERSON, at the Walmart on Bandera/Mainland. I'm not a stalker, but my son (he's 13) and I got a giggle since I read your blog all the time….my point is, there is NO WAY you are eating bacon doughnuts. What are you, like 106 pounds with clothes on? I know you say you do, but seriously, you are doing fat girls no favors at all. How much exercise do you do on a daily basis? Please let me know, because I'm not sure I want to eat bacon doughnuts, but those snazzy bejeweled ones, oh hell to the yes. I will take mine to go, on my journey in search of other friends. :)

    I really do enjoy your blog, even though you hate on fat people and Texas. It's really awful here, but I'm stuck and trying to make the best of it.

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's AWESOME! You shoulda said hi; it would have made me feel rockstarry. It's extra funny because, as you may know, I also hate on Wal-Mart, and complain bitterly on this very blog whenever I have to go. But they're the only ones who carry my Borden eggnog, so a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

    So I am a reformed fat girl myself, perhaps why I fixate on fattitude. It's latent fear that I'll relapse. I do eat plenty of things like bacon doughnuts, but spend 10-12 hours a week doing intensive exercise (bodypump, kickboxing, godawful marathons). I'm not a fan of running, but I am a fan of eating, and I've found that I need one to cancel the other. My metabolism sucks.

    In fairness, I wouldn't be able to do that much exercise if I were gainfully employed. My general uselessness facilitates obsessive exercise.

    Anyway, thanks for the comment, and thanks for tolerating me trashing Texas. It's nothing against the people (well, it's against SOME of the people), but more about the ants and relentless heat and Sarah Palin bumper stickers.

  4. What is it with you CSU kids? one of my coworkers heard about bacon donuts and she too decided to bring them to work (though she just bought maple frosted donuts and fried bacon pieces to go on top). She also has made bacon baklava and brought it to work.

    captcha: paperamp

  5. Our house guests just left and I was actually just licking the salt off my lips from the last piece of bacon when I read this. Hehehe. I love having weekend visitors because it's the only time we have a big fry-up and eat breakfast.

    I would have helped you out with the bacon doughnut eating (and then hated myself just a little bit because I DON'T work out hard for 10-12 h/wk) but my favorite was the sprinklicious one. It looked like something that I'd like to wear.

  6. Oh man, weird bacon dessertey food is abundant these days. A friend of mine who recently went to work as a butcher's apprentice brought me bacon caramel from his work. Bacon. Caramel.

    I'm a fat girl still reforming, so I'd like to know just how "fat" you were. And if you say "150 pounds" or something like, I will personally fly down to godawful Texas and punch you in the face. But out of love.

  7. I will not go into my personal feelings about the use of bacon in dessert because I want you to like me.

    But I will take one of those beautiful sparkly almond donuts off your hands.

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