Yeah, they’re a little played out, having gotten all that press on Food Network, but that doesn’t make them less delicious. I had never had one, but I assumed I would like them based on these facts:
I love bacon
I love doughnuts
I love maple syrup
Fat and sugar together increase opiod levels in the brain. Ergo, doughnuts and vicodin are equally effective in making you feel good.
Doughnuts are available without a prescription, and vicodin is difficult (not impossible) to fry.
So basically the obvious choice when you’re trying to get high is doughnuts, and it turns out that doughnuts and bacon are not natural enemies as one would assume, but instead create the most delightful offspring. Like little breakfast mules.
You can make these at home in no time flat, using this recipe Then just mix real maple syrup with powdered sugar to form a spreadable paste. When the doughnuts have been fried but are partially cooled, then spread the top with maple frosting, and sprinkle crispy-fried bacon batons (lardons) over the top.
Of course, some people will be not-so-interested in bacon doughnuts. It’s good manners to provide them with a parting gift as you kick them out of your circle of friends, so I’d suggest one of the other options I’ve created. Like the eggnog frosted doughnuts. Or the almond frosted doughnuts. Or the almond frosted doughnuts with jewel-toned sprinkles.
How sexy is this doughnut??
It’s a good way to say “you’re no longer of any value to me, as a friend, given your refusal of bacon doughnuts, but I’m sure there’s somebody out there who will love you and your non-bacony ways. Here is a peace doughnut to keep you fueled as you traverse the globe looking for such a person. God speed, heathen. God speed.”
Happy Halloween to one and all!!
An aside: After consuming the doughnuts, my arteries feel all cozy and snug on the insides. They’re coated with a thick layer of wooly arterial plaque. What a festive winter feeling!