The Sperminator ~

Congratulations on your big Colorado (And Minnesota, and another state that I can’t remember) wins last night, Rick Santorum!  I especially appreciated the dinner time robocall about how as a Christian I have to be pro-life and pro-hetero-marriage.  Because I was confused about my responsibilities as a believer in Christ.  Now I’m equally confused because I’m pro-choice and believe everyone should have the right to marry another consenting adult whom they love.  So…does that change my religion?

I have shied away from writing a post about Rick Santorum because I didn’t want to get mired down in dirty jokes about semen and butts.  Butt now (HAR!) Ricky has started his own campaign to raise money called…wait for it…”Conservatives Unite Moneybomb.”  C.U.M.  I cannot believe this is actually happening.  The only thing I can think is that he honestly is so clueless that he isn’t aware that he’s just further equated himself with salty he-smoothie, because with the number of Mr Roger’s-style sweater vests he wears, you know with CERTAINTY that he isn’t exactly down with the lingo of love.

Sweater vests aren’t even in the lexicon of love.  Seriously.  Try to say “sweater vest” while maintaining arousal.  It’s impossible.  Your erotic body parts immediately weld into a plastic smooth place like a Ken/Barbie doll.  It’s the Margaret Thatcher Naked on a Cold Day of wardrobe choices.

I am going to take the high road, though, and ignore the association with love mustard.  I’m going to talk about the tISSUES THAT MATTER.

Like, for example, the fact that Rick Santorum strongly supports keeping troops in Afghanistan and the surrounding areas, even though he couldn’t be bothered to serve as a semen seaman in his own majesty’s Navy!

Or the fact that he’s not even really a viable candidate option, despite the results of recent cockasses caucuses.

Or the fact that he has said that contraception is “a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

Or the fact that be blames liberalism in semenaries seminaries for the Catholic sex abuse scandals.  You know…because liberals always support the molestation of altar boys?  I know I sure do!

But the real money shot for me is that he has asked, and I quote, “If hunger is a problem in America, then why do we have an obesity problem among the people who say we have a hunger problem?” in response to questions about why he wants to get rid of food stamps altogether.

Because everyone knows that only “fat people” are poor, and poor people are always fat. There are absolutely no children in America who are hungry and depend on food stamps and school lunches for any kind of nutrition whatsoever.

What a dick. Seriously.

In honor of my IMMEASURABLE wealth, I’ll be making the Rick Santorum’s No More Poor “Fat” people dinner.  It costs next to nothing to prepare, and will ensure that the obese/poor in our nation can’t ask for handouts.

It won’t contain a cream sauce, because honestly that’s more than I can bear at this point.  And cream sauces make you fat, unless you eat them with your butt (right, Rick?)

And it does contain glorious eggs, which is awesome because Ricky believes that every egg should have a right to life, and birth control should be illegal, and as such, all of the frantic teenage humping in our country should lead directly and inevitably to new episodes of Teen Mom. Which is a show I love because it makes me feel better about my own life choices.

Mmmmmm…VALUES

Warm Lentil Salad (adapted from the Gourmet recipe by Ruth Reichl)
-1 C green lentils
-3 slices bacon, diced into lardons
-1 onion, small dice
-2 cloves garlic, minced
-2 carrots, peeled and thinly sliced
-1/4 C white balsamic vinegar (more to taste)
-2 T dijon mustard
-salt and pepper to taste
-eggs, cooked any way you like them, but definitely cooked because any egg that doesn’t make it to your plate is an abomination to your faith.  Or something.

–In a large pot of boiling water, cook lentils until tender, but not mushy (about 25 minutes)
–Meanwhile, saute bacon until fat renders and remove from pan
–In the bacon fat, saute onion, garlic, and carrots until tender.
–Drain lentils and add lentils and bacon to the vegetable mixture
–Stir in mustard, vinegar, and seasonings.  Taste.  You want a sweet, semi-acidic “dressing” to permeate the salad.  Add more vinegar as necessary.
–Serve warm or room temperature, topped with eggs

Can you just SMELL the sanctimony?  Wait..no…that’s bacon vinaigrette.

This makes a cheap and fantastic weeknight dinner, Sunday brunch, protein-packed snack, and/or late night gorge.  And it’s accessible and cheap as can be to prepare.  You could add kale or spinach to punch it up even further, but you don’t necessarily need to, as this dish isn’t exactly hurting for nutritional value.

There you have it, poor people.  Stop being unhealthy and start eating delicious, cheap lentils.  America is fixed.  Now lets all put on our romance sweater vests and make some babies! And then do some postcoital gay-bashing.  WHOOOOOOOOOO.

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