Every office/workplace/homeowners association/what-have-you has the one female coworker or wife that all of the men adore, and all of the women hate. The hatred has nothing to do with whether or not she’s a good person. No. It’s either a) that she is interested in “guy” things like football, b) that she’s super-hot or c) that she always wins at potluck. Men LOVE girls like that, and women HATE them. It’s just the order of things.
I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions to the rule, but it’s a pretty common phenomenon.
Men see upstaging as an opportunity to enter into a overtly vicious competition with the other men in the area that ends in a winner and a loser, who will then drink a beer together and remain friends. Women see upstaging as a personal insult that can only be righted by social homicide and seething, underlying resentment. I’ve never been very good at this game, since I’m totally obtuse, really sucky at feminine social dynamics, and I will attempt to win at potluck regardless of social pressure. I just can’t help myself.
But seething resentment is BORING, and social dynamics are CONFUSING, so why not just be the girl that all the wives hate? I bring you:
“You bet your sweet ass that you’ll win the unspoken potluck contest with these crackers, sister” truffle and cheese spritz crackers
“kicking the crap out of the Joneses” truffle and cheese spritz crackers
“Thyme to be THAT girl” truffle and cheese spritz crackers
Actually, whatever the hell you want to call them. Pretend you INVENTED them for all I care. I just want to see you win, for goodness sake. Because then I’ll have other hated potluck-winners to hang out with, when I get shunned by yet another group of angry harpies who’ve shown up with another sleeve of crackers and Velveeta dip.
1 C butter, softened (two sticks)
2.25 C AP flour
1/4 C milk
1 T truffle oil
1 egg yolk
1.25 C finely grated cheese (I used half parmaggiano and half grana padano)
1 t dried thyme
1 t sea salt (fine)
salt and thyme to sprinkle
Preheat oven to 400 F.
Using an electric mixer, beat together butter, egg yolk, truffle oil and milk until thoroughly combined and fluffy. In a separate bowl, combine flour, cheeses, thyme, and salt. Slowly beat the flour mixture into the butter mixture until just combined. Fill your cookie press with the dough and press it out using the ribbon attachment onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Sprinkle the top of each cookie with salt (I like truffle salt) and thyme. Bake for 7-10 minutes on the middle shelf, or until the top starts to get golden in spots but the bottom of the cookie doesn’t get past a light golden color. You may need to rotate the tray partway through the baking, depending on your oven. Serve warm with milk.
Variations: I told you, you can invent this however you want. Use half parm and half sharp cheddar, or omit the truffle oil and use an infused garlic oil. Change the thyme over to rosemary or sage. Change the shape of the cookie. Seriously, you can’t really mess these up. Don’t have a cookie press? Roll into a log, refrigerate for a couple of minutes to firm up the dough until it’s a slicable consistency, then slice thin discs off of the log.
You? Are a cracker genius. And these will tell the world (as well as that snooty-ass Betsy from accounting) that you’re a badass at potluck, and that you won’t be shamed into baking-silence just because she’s mad that Frank from Sales thinks you’re awesome.
If you really want to take it to the next level, show up in the break room wearing a pushup bra, a low-cut NFL shirt, and carrying a batch of these cookies. In a Coors Light bucket. Why not? If you can’t beat em, make some frickin crackers.
P.S. Have you entered the Awesome Eggnog Giveaway yet?