Christmas Toys for Girls and Boys

This isn’t about food. At all. I can’t even twist it around to SAY it’s about food. I guess I could say that children eat food, usually. And these are gifts for said children. But mostly I’ll just admit that this post isn’t about food.

It is, however, about Christmas gifts. You see, I was Toys for Totting around my local Target store, and noticed an exceptional number of hideous/incredibly stupid gifts for kids. I don’t remember there being such stupid toys when I was a tot. We had Candyland, LightBright, SkipIt…the usual. But check out some of the things I found today (yes, I did take these pictures with my iPhone in the store. People probably thought I was spying, like the bad guy on Willy Wonka. Slugworth, I think).

Here’s to Christmas miracles!

This sounds like one of those slang sex acts. Like the dirty sanchez or the donkey punch. You should probably warn your kids that if a boy asks them to play “Mexican Train” that they don’t have to blow on their rape whistles.

I feel like this game would really piss Ben Bernanke off good and proper. I also feel like I have an innate ability to win this game.

Dude, this so isn’t going to end up under the Christmas tree of a 5 year old. If we’re going to be totally realistic, it’s going to be used as a sexual aid for lonely 40 year old women who want the magic back in their lives. And also possibly my sister. And maybe me, since my husband still refuses to glitter in the sun and/or buy me Ferraris

Don’t buy this toy for your little girls, and I will tell you why. Horse people are always totally weird, and start to look a little like horses. I don’t know why this is true, but it has been for years. There was a girl named Kelly in 9th grade who used to bring her horse dolls to school with her, and I had no choice but stage them in a mating position every time she left her desk. And that made her very angry. Do you want an angry child? Do you??

This is possibly THE most racially diverse group of lesbians I’ve ever seen assembled in one place. I have no problem at all with lesbian dolls. Hell, I support them getting married. But let’s not pretend that many girls are living together with cats and nobody is putting their gifts in boxes, if you know what I’m saying.

I actually have no idea what this game is supposed to be, but from 40 feet away I could’ve sworn it said “Shit in a box,” which I thought was really funny. Also possibly a better game than “Shut the box.” I think labeling it as “Cardinal’s Wood” is in exceptionally poor taste, given recent scandals.

“Baby’s First Doll” seems to be missing a torso, but comes with a fierce case of camel toe.

So…now we’re just preparing mediocre children to give up the dream of college. That’s fair. In Germany they sort kids pretty early, and send the slower ones to vocational school. This is very Euro-chic in that sense.

Whomever invented the Jack-in-a-Box should be taken outside and beaten soundly. What a terrible, terrifying toy. “Oh hey, it’s a box with a crank. Let’s just crank it and see what happens. Oh, that’s nice, it plays some fun music. This is a really sweet OHMYFUCKITSACLOWN!!!!!!!” Cue: child never sleeps in his own room again, and also develops a fear of music, boxes, and clowns. The sock monkey is no better, and its entire mouth looks like it’s been swallowed by a cold sore. Kind of like Angelina Jolie.

The awkward noise that may or may not follow the lovemaking of Santa’s helpers.

This isn’t funny, it’s just really, really stupid. At best, it could be used as a learning tool so that children can better accept the kid in their class who has appalling hygiene and picks their nose during storytime.

This game is very clearly teaching kids about whores. I challenge you to say otherwise. Even Reba McIntyre’s song “Fancy” is about whores. Jiminy Christmas.

Has childhood obesity really come this far?

Worst. Game. Ever. I spend most of my natural born life hiding from bees and wasps outside, and now I’m expected to bring them inside? I think not. What’s next? Milton Bradley’s “There’s a spider in your comforter that’s going to come out at night and bite your pee-pee”?

Is this not totally absurd? A scented puzzle? Really?? Kids could care less if their puzzle smells like cotton, so I assume this is made for moms who are tired of all their kids’ toys smelling like urine and Kraft cheese singles.

Actually, I really like this toy. I had one as a kid, but mine was primary colors. I guess these kids called “Granite Transformations” and had it redone. Mine also had an incident once where my goldfish got stuck in my pretend toaster, and I had to get it out with a plastic spatula. It lived for another year and a half, so I guess I saved the day, not to brag or anything.

Comes with methamphetamines. I have a headache just looking at these kids racing around on the box.

Well done, Texas. Well done. Probably the most realistic game in the bunch.

Good luck with your Christmas shopping!

16 thoughts on “Christmas Toys for Girls and Boys”

  1. OMG too funny, me and the hubs were wandering around the empty aisle at target sunday night, and I saw that Quelf game and thought the exact same thing. I wanted to take a pic for a friend that would have peed her pants laughing but I didnt want to look like a weirdo.

  2. Were you also taking pictures in the food aisle? Was this the Super Target at Bandera and 1604 this afternoon at some time between 4 and 5 o'clock? Yes, it's me, your super-stalker. tee heee……..I saw a girl taking pics in the food section–actually I think it may have been on the laundry soap aisle….and instantly I thought of you for some reason. I was sort of in a hurry so didn't really check you out (I would suck as a stalker for real) but if it was you, I think it's really funny.

    This was a pleasant blog post–even though your food always looks yummy–and it really made me laugh.

    I'll say hi next time. My son (he's 13 and damn near as tall as you) thinks it's hilarious that we "know" you. LOL

  3. Duh, I just saw that you posted this at noon and therefore could not have possibly been taking the pics at 4:00. Sorry, but there is another blond girl out there taking pics of various Target items. Bitch. She probably got the idea from you.

    Sorry to bother…….

  4. 1. Mexican Train sounds vaguely racist to me. I mean really, what is in any way Mexican about that game? No…don't answer. I don't want that on my conscience.

    2. Horse people are awful. Yes, awful and horsey. They don't just LOOK horsey, they start acting horsey too – all high falutin', snooty, temperamental and inane. Oh, and they only hang out with other horse people. Also, have you ever met a horse person who wasn't a raging right-winger? I haven't.

    3. Shut The Box, eh? Why don't they just put a stick in a box and call it, "Toss the Twig" because that looks equally enjoyable.

    4. When you were a kid, did you like puzzles? I, for one, did not. I only participated when absolutely mandatory, but I would seethe with resentment. At least if you had an interesting picture at the end that would be something, but if I had to brave a chem-headache from faux cotton scent and endure 2000 pieces for a photo of little girls in hats? Someone would lose an eyeball.

    Gosh, those toys are just awesome.

  5. I clearly need to spend more time in the toy aisle…things have come a long way since my old Teddy Ruxpin.

    So according to your theory, Sarah Jessica Parker must really be into horses.

  6. I think the most upsetting part of this is actually the word "horspital" on that playset. I shuddered just then when I had to type it. It sounds like where prostitutes go when their viral load is too high to work or something.

  7. Nichi: I'm totally okay with looking like a weirdo.

    Allie: SBS is no joking matter. The ads they play on the radio at Kohls every 5 minutes remind us that SBS is VERY SERIOUS.

    My delightful stalker- Weird. I have a Texas doppelganger? And yes, do say hi sometime.

    Jewell: do you need me to send you Target things?

    John-Oh no! That website stole my personality! I still owe you eggnog. I was waiting for it to cool off here, and it has, so I promise to send it this week.

    Tina: They're ALL right wing, you're absolutely right. I have no idea why. Maybe it's that feeling of domination you get by riding another living thing? And I have always abhorred puzzles.

    KaraLynne: Happy to be of service. You need to get that baby OUT.

    Brooke: Sarah Jessica Parker IS a horse, not INTO horses.

    Bex: I said that same exact thing in the car to Chris! I was sad I hadn't included it in the blog. Great minds, you know?

    And Claudia: No desire to be on TV. I have zero grace and am afraid of rejection. Thus, I write. Hopefully someday it will get me somewhere. Your faith, though, means so much.

  8. So true. Spiteful Chef…amen to that. I am still laughing about the Quelf game..I will never be able to walk through Target the same way :)…

  9. I had to revisit this post with Andrew because it was sooo funny and because he needed to appreciate it. He really thought it was funny. We look forward to an annual posting on the year's holiday toys if you remember next year.

  10. oh..god. Really i was looking the toys and they was not going to end. But the all was,Baby's First Doll, Jack-in-a-Box and also many more, very nice. I think everyone will get the toy of there choice from this nice list.

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